By Paul Pearson
The Chicken Cutlet at Kosher Catfish
A pair of stars led the way for the Cutlets in a 116.05-63.85 victory over the Catfish. Michael Turner put up a whopping 29.4 points in a close shave over the Cincinnati Bengals, while Joe Flacco added 25.4 in an overtime-aided win over the still-winless Buffalo Bills. Only two Cutlet starters fell short of their Yahoo projections: the New York Giants defense/special teams (3 points) and Peyton Hillis (who still scored 13.65 in a stunning upset of the New Orleans Saints). Chad Ochocinco led the Catfish starters with 19.8 points, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense/special teams took 3 points off the board, and Donald Driver contributed nothing to the cause. And to make matters worse, the Catfish wasted a 26.2-point performance by the benched Ben Roethlisberger.
I Piss Excellence at the 40 Yr Old Viking
It looks like someone forgot to tell the Viking about bye weeks in the NFL schedule. Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark (who, adding injury to insult, is out for the rest of the season with a wrist injury) took up spots that could have helped the Viking avoid a 97.6-74.4 defeat at the hands of the Excellence. Steve Smith of the New York Giants did his part for the Viking by scoring 19.1 points, while David Akers put up 15 in a losing effort for the Philadelphia Eagles. Philip Rivers led all starters in this contest with 21.7 points, while Marques Colston contributed 20.2. But the Excellence could have blown the Viking off the field by starting Darren McFadden (with an eye-popping 46.6 points) and Hines Ward (22.1).
Websters Dicktionary at Lt. Blumpkin
In the closest matchup of the week, the Blumpkins rode Eli Manning’s 32.2-point Monday night performance to a 109.5-103.3 victory. The 16 points from the Tennessee Titans defense/special teams (including a late interception returned for a touchdown) helped negate the 0.3-point afternoon for John Carlson. The Dicktionaries should feel fortunate to get 22.8 points from Drew Brees on a day when the Cleveland Browns clearly had his number. Unfortunately, the Dicktionaries got only 4.8 points from Brees’ teammate Chris Ivory and only 3 points from a normally stout Pittsburgh Steelers defense/special teams. They also could have used the 12.5 points Michael Bush scored on the bench.
Wisco Wormburpers at Nerfherders
To be honest, the Nerfherders never really had a chance in this one. The Wormburpers got double-digit scores from eight of their starters and annihilated the Nerfherders by a score of 182.35-73.15. Roddy White’s 35.1-point afternoon led the way for the Wormburpers, while his Atlanta Falcons teammate Matt Ryan scored 30.45. The only Wormburper starter held to single digits was Miles Austin, with 3.8 points on a Monday night when he went from catching balls from Tony Romo to trying to hook up with Jon Kitna. Dwayne Bowe did his best to help the Nerfherders by scoring 20.1 points, while Maurice Jones-Drew put up 18.1. And no one in the Nerfherders starting lineup actually put up a goose egg, but Brent Celek came awfully close with 0.8 points.
Casual Sacks at Double Deuce
Even the 38.6 points from the benched Carson Palmer would not have been enough to save the Sacks from losing to the Deuces, who prevailed by the score of 86.45-65.85. Knowshon Moreno flexed his muscles for the Deuces by scoring a pair of touchdowns and 21 points. Percy Harvin helped the cause Sunday by scoring 16.6. The lowest scorer for the Deuces was Brandon Lloyd, with 4.6. The Sacks did get a healthy 22.15 points from Aaron Rodgers, along with with 14.8 from Terrell Owens (who has to be happy as a clam to be out of Buffalo, regardless of the Cincinnati Bengals’ record). But a fumble from the otherwise-essentially-unused Demaryius Thomas led to a negative-1.3 score.
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