By Sam Spiegelman
Atlanta Falcors (2-5) 62 vs. Xtreme2daMax! (5-2) 94.8
Wanna know about the Cowboys’ offensive woes? Talk to Atlanta Falcors who is dealing with an injured Tony Romo and King Felix, who might as well be hurt. The two Cowboys combined for fewer points than Davone Bess; call it what you’d like. And when Bess is your top scorer, you know your team is in bad shape. Poor Kenny Britt got benched in favor of yes, Jabar Gaffney, as the team managed a mere 62 points against Xtreme2daMax! Xtreme, who was dealing with bye weeks and injures alike, found a weak to squeak by and earn his fifth win on the season. Dez Bryant’s three-score evening Monday led the way, but contributions from Big Ben, Jamaal Charles, Beanie Wells and Johnny Knox did not hurt. While D-Jax and Austin Collie try to return from injuries, I would suggest cutting ties with Jay Cutler and looking for added wide receiver depth. A playoff team can’t help but gather depth right now.
Motor Boatin’ Sons of Bitches (6-1) 144.9 vs. Yellow Yellow Jackets (3-4) 49.8
This got ugly…quick. Carson Palmer, Roddy White, Dwayne Bowe…should I go on? You know it’s an outstanding offensive output when Brandon Marshall is your lowest scorer. I could go on all day talking about Motor Boatin’ SOBs lineup – it’s out of this world and it might be unstoppable if Palmer continues at this pace. I would hate to rely on Palmer at this point, but the magnitude of talent on this should be able to propel a playoff run. The same cannot be said for Yellow Yellow Jackets, who may not see the postseason light at this 50-point per game pace. The team has just lost its pizzazz. Tom Brady looks awfully human without Randy Moss; Ray Rice continues to lead the race for the biggest fantasy bust and you’re not going to get too far when your top scorers are riding pine. It’s time to get on the Run DMC / Buffalo Bills offense bandwagon while you can; it may be your last hope.
Kickin Bart’s Ass (4-3) 109.6 vs. The Nutty Nuggets (2-5) 78
We were waiting a while, but Knowshon finally decided to kick some ass of his own. A breakout game against the Raiders paved the way for a decisive 30-point victory of the Nugs not only put the team over .500, but it may have helped you solidify the direction of this team. If Moreno can continue what he started Sunday, you’ll have a three-headed monster at running back and at the flex position. The same cannot be said about the Nutty Nuggets, who saw Alex Smith as their best shot at surviving Matt Schaub’s bye week. Alex Smith, really? The next mistake, using Danny Woodhead. While Woody may be a valuable player in real life situations, in no way is he cracking a fantasy lineup anytime soon. For one, he’s Danny Woodhead. Second, never trust the Hoodie. I can’t say there’s too much hope left in making the playoffs for you, Nugs.
Professional Bed Tester (3-4) 81 vs. The Butterfly Sparkles (2-5) 76.4
In a game that came down to the classic Monday Night finale, the feeble Cowboys stars were both able to successfully make as the matchup as least exciting as possible. For Professional Bed Tester, Stone Cold Miles Austin managed just 3.8 points, compared to the 1.3 pointed totaled by Marion the Barbarian – by the way, if you are still starting him, please check for your manhood. The other receiver going for PBT Monday was “The Other” Steve Smith, who topped 100 yards and score, delivering the third win of the year and inching closer towards .500. For The Butterfly Sparkles, it’s the same story in another week. There have been no moves made even to better your team, and you’re still sporting LaDell Betts, Rashard Jennings and Deverey Henderson on your bench. Barber is one thing, but Jennings? Two wins are impressive with that kind of preparation; enjoy them – more don’t seem to be coming too quickly.
Gone Fishin (5-2) 133 vs. Rusty Kuntz (3-4) 121.9
Five straight wins after an 0-2 start, who woulda thunk it? Gone Fishin sports the unlikeliest of personnel, but yet he’s seeing results and that is all you can ask for. Kyle Orton, Willis McGahee and Steve Johnson led the way (now do you understand when I say this team is loaded with outcasts?). The entire team reached double-digit points scored except for Chris Johnson – yeah, that Chris Johnson. Seeing the team excel even without a major contribution from the best player is more than an encouraging sign. It’s tough to say that this team’s momentum will die out soon, but there’s a good chance they may face a few more bumps in the road along the way. Just ask Rusty Kuntz – he ran into one Sunday. Outstanding afternoons on the part of Eli Manning and the Burner, complemented by double-digit efforts from sleeper-of-the-year candidate Ahmad Bradshaw and a resurgent Greg Jennings would usually be enough to garner a victory in most weeks. It’s disappointing, but on the flip side, it means this team can only get better. With Arian Foster and Santonio Holmes back next week, this team looks like it is talented enough to make a playoff push.
Cock-A-Doodle-Damn (3-4) 112.2 vs. Polk High (4-3) 92.5
Would have been to have Peyton save the day again this week, Polk High, wouldn’t it? While Manning was getting his GTL on somewhere in Indy, Josh Freeman did his best impersonation of number 18, scoring 15 points, second only to the Seattle defense on the team. Ninety-two points is a valiant effort, but sometimes it might be too much to expect Freeman to follow in Peyton’s footsteps. I do, however, like the fill-in. On the flip side, Cock-A-Doodle-Damn needed no fill-ins; his team was at full fledge Sunday. Matty Ice and All Day led the way with 20-plus-point efforts, as well as strong contributions from Thomas Jones and Ochocinco. But in all honesty, this team will live up to its 3-4 record. The players won’t show up every week – they’re too many questions marks, too much inconsistency and not enough depth. The playoffs are a possibility, but you’re a RB2 and WR2 from really making any noise.
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