Alabama Crab Danglers – Week 9

By Paul Pearson

The Chicken Cutlet vs. Wisco Wormburpers.

This just in: Peyton Hillis is a beast. Cleveland’s new favorite runner rampaged over the New England Patriots, scoring 35 points and leading the Cutlets to a 119.7-99.95 victory over the Wormburpers. Michael Vick returned to the starting lineup and generated 29.3 points for the Cutlets, while Michael Turner continued his solid season by scoring 22.7. The Wormburpers got the usual yeoman’s effort from Adrian Peterson, who scored a team-high 26.4 points. They also got 21.8 points from Hakeem Nicks in the New York Giants’ crushing of the Seattle Seahawks. But other Wormburpers came up short. Miles Austin, a part of the Dallas Cowboys meltdown Sunday night, scored only 1.6 points, and the Patriots defense/special teams, who never really knew what hit them Sunday, scored only 1.

I Piss Excellence vs. Double Deuce.

Philip Rivers led all starters in this matchup with 32.05, but that was not enough to save the Excellence from losing to the Deuces by a score of 89.7-80.05. Rashard Mendenhall put up 19 points in Pittsburgh’s Monday night victory over the Cincinnati Bengals, but no other Excellence starter reached double digits. In fact, the Seattle Seahawks defense/special teams hurt the Excellence cause with a minus-2-point score. Jacob Tamme, filling in for the injured-and-out-for-the-season Dallas Clark, led the Deuces with 19.8 points. He was one of five Deuce starters who cleared the 10-point threshold, including Cedric Benson (13.4) and Matt Schaub (11.4). The lowest Deuce scorer was Dan Carpenter (4 points), who still managed to outscore three Excellence starters.

Websters Dicktionary vs. Kosher Catfish.

Even if you took away Arian Foster’s team-leading 34.7 points, the Dicktionaries would have had enough to beat the Catfish, who fell by a score of 116.55-70.8. That’s because the Dicktionaries had two other players clear the 20-point mark: Ahmad Bradshaw (21.2) and Drew Brees (20.65). The Catfish got 21.3 points from Tom Brady in a losing effort against the Cleveland Browns. But the only other Catfish starter to reach double digits was Visanthe Shiancoe (12.6). Stephen Gostkowski scored only 1 point before leaving his game with a quad injury. And Beanie Wells would have been better off taking the week off. He carried the ball only once, left the game with a bad knee and wound up with a score of minus-0.2.

Nerfherders vs. Lt. Blumpkin.

What do “60 Minutes” and the Nerfherders have in common? Both owe a debt of gratitude to someone named Mike Wallace. The Pittsburgh Steelers version of Wallace scored 20 points Monday night to help the Nerfherders erase a deficit and beat the Blumpkins by a score of 118.7-107.4. Both teams were led by New York quarterbacks; Mark Sanchez of the Jets scored 28.9 points for the Nerfherders, and Eli Manning of the Giants put up 29.4 for the Blumpkins. Both teams also got goose eggs from the tight ends (the forgotten Brent Celek for the Nerfherders and the inactivated Antonio Gates for the Blumpkins). Seven Nerfherders reached double digits, while five did so for the Blumpkins, including the once-again-healthy-and-a-threat DeSean Jackson with 21.9 points.

Casual Sacks vs. The 40 Yr Old Viking.

Somebody should make sure the Viking gets a copy of the NFL schedule, along with a copy of the league’s injury report. The Viking left two bye-week players (Laurence Maroney and Mike Sims-Walker) and a player on the injured reserve list (Dallas Clark) in the starting lineup, leading to an easy 132.75-67.6 win for the Sacks. The Viking did get double-digit performances from four other starters, including the Green Bay Packers defense/special teams with 28 points in a thrashing of the Dallas Cowboys. But the Sacks were too strong. Aaron Rodgers led the way with 33.55 points, followed by Terrell Owens with 29.1 and the New Orleans Saints defense/special teams with 21. The only real misfire for the Sacks was starting Felix Jones, who mustered only 1.6 points.