No Foreskin League: Race to the Playoffs

by Sam Spiegelman

Fuck Slowing Down AnchorBaby’s Postseason Aspirations

With a chance to separate his team from the pack, Anchor Babies fell by eight to the top-seeded team 2 fucking wins in 2 years by a score of 132-124.

Anchor Babies appeared to be one big performance away from taking the win over the best of the Ellis Island Division, but superstars Roddy White and Ahmad Bradshaw came up short. The combined 13 points from the duo was overlooked by the monster efforts of Peyton “Running Down” Hillis and Matt Cassel. Hillis continued his brilliance season against the porous Panthers defense, totaling nearly 200 yards and three trips to the end-zone. In a matchup against his former college head coach, Cassel found his favorite target Dwayne Bowe thrice and Jamaal Charles once, earning 28 points on the afternoon. 

The 124 points scored, however, would beat most teams in a given week – just not against the No Foreskin League’s elite. Fuck opted to start the quarterback tandem of Jon Kitna and Eli Manning which proved to be the smart decision. The quarterbacks accounted for 34 points to go along with 43 from the running backs and 31 from the wide-outs. Heck, even Jacob Tamme scored 12 Sunday, proving this is too much talent to take down.

Cumstein falls to 6-6 After Loss to Warriors

Cumstein joined the trio of .500 teams battling for the sixth and final position in the playoffs after coming up five points shy of his opponent, the Warriors, in a high-scoring, closely matched contest.

Led by the monster afternoon on the part of Aaron Rodgers who nearly scored 30 points, Jamaal Charles and Mike Tolbert who each scored in the 20-point range and another solid effort by Megatron, Cumstein scored 127 points, the second highest total in the No Foreskin League, short only to his opponent that day. What held the team back was the weak game by Big Ben, who was stifled by none other than the Buffalo Bills. Starting Matt “I’m a Man, I’m” Forte would have made the difference. 

On the other side of the ball, Dwayne Bowe’s breakout season continued as he topped 40 points, which were complemented well by double-digit efforts from Drew Brees, Matt Hasselbeck, Mike Goodson and Stone Cold Miles Austin. It seemed as if the big names and the no-names were all clicking, and picking up the slack for another disappointing game for Run DMC and Aaron Hernandez.

Playoff Preview: Fuck and Warriors Battle In Week 13

After putting forth two of the highest scoring totals last week, two powerhouses collide in Week 13 in a potential playoff matchup featuring the Warriors and 2 fucking wins in 2 years. And although both teams essentially have solidified postseason berths, it is great to see how the teams stack up.

For the Warriors, Drew Brees is matchup-proof. It just so happens he gets the banged up Cincy secondary this week, where he has tear apart a bunch of second and third-stringers. Other strong plays are Dwayne Bowe, who continues to become a dynamic wide-out, but will deal with a division rival and defensive stopper in Denver’s Champ Bailey come Sunday. Stone Cold Miles Austin will get the Indy secondary, who many would think hindered Philip Rivers but would be incorrect when they realize the defense was too busy getting torn apart on the ground. And Aaron Hernandez will face off against the tough Jets defense, but if the Pats are to win, Hernandez will be a go-to guy for Brady on quick passes.

On the opposing side, Eli Manning gets the Redskins at home, but will do so without his top two targets, and will rely on guys off the street once again. With no better options, Eli is in. The Burner and Rashard Mendenhall are always must-starts, but Turner will face a rebounding Bucs team at home and Mendenhall gets a division rival in primetime. There is a chance they will be slowed down, but they are studs – you got to stick with them. I love the Brandon Lloyd start at Kansas City and Santonio Holmes at New England. If the Broncos or Jets are to score, it will be due mostly to the success of their passing attacks.

LeGarrette Blount may prove the be the better flex option over Jon Kitna, as the Cowboys will be on the road against an Indy team that is on the ropes. Peyton may keep his offense on the field for 45 minutes – not kidding. So Blount, coming off a loss at home, may be the answer for the Bucs as they ride him to a victory over division rival Atlanta.

My prediction: the Warriors successfully pull off the upset this week due to an explosion on the part of Brees and the wide receiving core. If Oakland is going to score, they need to find a way to get Run DMC the ball; and if that happens he will put together a solid outing. The difference here is Hernandez – he may be the answer for the Pats on Monday night.

AnchorBaby, Cumstein Face Off For Final Playoff Berth

This could get ugly. Two teams who straight up just do not like each other facing off with playoff aspirations riding on the line. This game could easily go in either direction, so it has to be the most highly anticipated game of the week.

Cumstein will be led by the dynamic Aaron Rodgers, who will get to run train all over the 49ers secondary. If Derek Anderson was a real NFL quarterback, even he could pick them apart. In addition, Rodgers will be complemented by Big Ben, who will have to play well if he wants to pick up a win in Baltimore Sunday night.  

Other strong matchups include Matt “I’m a Man, I’m” Forte, who tore apart the Lions defense earlier in the season. Megatron will get to face Da Bears’ secondary, which is always a treat; and if healthy, Malcolm Floyd will be on the receiving end of Philip Rivers’ passes. 

For AnchorBaby, the duo of David Garrard and Matt Cassel is just as productive. Though they are not as big of names as Cumstein’s signal-callers, they can be just as dynamic. What concerns me is Peyton “Running Down” Hillis against the Dolphins, who may put all 11 in the box and force Jake Delhomme to beat – trust me, it is questionable. Also, Andre “The Giant” and Roddy White face difficult matchups on the road against troubling pass defenses.

My prediction: Cumstein wins the Week 13 content pretty comfortably, as the matchups this week are just too to ignore. Hillis, Johnson and White may all be slowed down, and it may come down to which Kansas City running back gets the majority of the carries and goal-line looks.