Napoleon’s Minions: The Elite Eight

By Sam Spiegelman

Chunga’s Revenge Wins Shootout

In the opening round of the Napoleon’s Minions playoffs, you love to see a good old-fashioned barn-burner. It was Chunga’s Revenge and Aging Alcoholics in a high-scoring, offensive showdown. The teams combined for 305 points, but just seven separated the two as Chunga’s Revenge edged out the win, 156-149.

Chunga’s quarterbacks combining for a pathetic 20 points, and that is Philip Rivers and Eli Manning, two guys you would expect to have stellar afternoons giving their team’s playoff situations. Fortunately, Eli was picked up by his running back Ahmad Bradshaw, and the wide receiving core went off. Pierre Garcon and Andre “The Giant” Johnson combined for 51 points, while Vernon David was able to add 13.

On the flip side, it was the wide-outs hindering Aging Alcoholics, as Stone Cold Miles Austin and Megatron failed to reach double-digit scoring, and Reggie Wayne, the team’s most dynamic receiver, led the way with a measly dime. If not for buck nasty clash between Maurice Jones-Drew and Run DMC, this one would not have even been close.

The high-flying Chunga’s Revenge will now take their talents to the Elite Eight round of the playoffs, while AA will retreat to their lonesome couch where they can ponder simply, “What went wrong?”

Ramroad Tops Napoleon by Three
There were more disappointments in the contest between Team Ramrod and Napoleon than not getting any after a third date. Nonetheless, Ramrod came out on top, 99-96, thanks to the fantasy scrubs that came through in the clutch.

            Team Ramrod relied on the mid-range quarterback options of Harvard product Ryan Fitzpatrick and David Garrard, who together scored 30 pints. Javarris James was able to sneak in a score, and Tim Hightower shocked the world with an outstanding game-high 24 points. And with Santana Moss’ surprise afternoon, there was enough to survive injuries to Mario Manningham and a letdown effort on the part of Mike Williams.

            On the losing end, Peyton Manning and Peyton “Running Down” Hillis’ production equaled Team Ramrod’s duo, which really was the match was lost. These two studs scored, but not nearly to their potential given their matchups on the weekend. While Steven Jackson and The Daily Show each had big double-digit games, the wide-outs combined for a mere 11 points, no thanks to John Skelton taking over for ‘Zona at quarterback and Aaron Rodgers going down in Detroit.

            Next up, Napoleon will prepare for next year’s draft, and why he opted to use Steve Breaston over stud Hakeem “The Dream,” while Team Ramrod will advance to the second round of the playoffs.

Preview: Sarge’s 13 at Happy Ending Boy

After surviving to the second round of the playoffs, Sarge’s 13 will now face a tougher opponent in Happy Ending Boy, fresh off a first-round bye.

Sarge’s 13’s squad easily skated by in their matchup with Green Geckos last week, led by the shocking consistency from Jon Kitna, the re-emergence of Wes Welker and a dominant game by Jason Witten. I see the Kitna-Witten connection continuing to thrive against the Skins at home, and I would not be shocked to see Jay Cutler respond to his unimpressive performance against the Pats with a rebound in primetime against the hopeless Vikings.

I am also a huge fan of LeGarrette Blount at home versus the Lions, and think Ray Rice could be the best game-plan for the Ravens to use against the Saints. Jeremy Maclin and D-Jax go back and forth will their weekly games, so in theory it is Maclin’s turn for a big game. And once again, Welker causes a heck of a matchup problem for any opposing defense.

            For the well-rested Happy Ending Boy, it simply will come to if Aaron Rodgers can play. Unlike Mark Sanchez and Cutler who faltered when the Pats defense blitzed, Rodgers will thrive will the one-on-one coverage. If it is Matt Flynn for the Pack though, it is a completely different story. The combo of a health A-Rodge and Matty Ice versus Seattle is enormous.

            With the running backs coach heading the Broncos, I dig Knowshon Moreno, especially after the R-R-Raiders got ran over by Mo-Jo-Drew and Rashad Jennings. Like I said earlier, D-Jax could have a big day, but it is all-or-nothing between him and Maclin. My confidence is not nearly as high when it comes to Larry Fitzgerald dealing with John Skelton at quarterback, or Dustin “The Wind” Keller against the Steelers.

            My prediction: If Rodgers fails to suit up for Green Bay, it could be upset city for Sarge’s 13. I am a big fan of Josh Freeman, but his production will not equal up to Rogers’, and there are too many favorable matchups on the ground and via the air for the underdog.

Preview: Chunga’s Revenge at Necessary Roughness

            After a week off, Necessary Roughness will have to suit up, take the field and face off against a red-hot Chunga’s Revenge, a team that scored a league-best point total in the opening round. Now, upsets are the only thing on his mind.

            Chunga’s Revenge team starts and ends with Philip Rivers in an early-week showdown against the Niners, which theoretically he should look like Swiss cheese. If San Fran does take away the running game, Rivers will just go buck and pick apart the secondary. He could be the game’s highest scorer this week.

            I also like Chris Johnson continuing his stretch of good games against the depleted Texans defense and Jamaal Charles if Matt Cassel returns to the lineup. What concerns, however, is Eli Manning, who had a league-high 19 picks, now facing against an underrated Philly secondary.

            For Necessary Roughness, Drew Brees and Ryan Torain have extremely favorable matchups, and they will be relied on the carry the load if their teams are to take home the victory. If the Jets defense continues to sputter, Big Ben or Rashard Mendenhall could have big games; if they show up, however, it will be a much slower afternoon.

            My prediction: This one will be ridiculous, likely the best game on the weekend in the league. There is a lot of dependency on the Pittsburgh offense for Necessary Roughness, and the presence of Mike Wallace on the opposing club will likely hinder Big Ben’s production. I think the Rivers, Johnson and Andre “the Giant” trio, however, and I gave them the edge over Brees, Mendenhall and Roddy White. The difference-makers: Dwayne Bowe and Pierre Garcon in the WR2 showdown.