No Foreskin League: The Final Showdown
By Sam Spiegelman
The Late Merger Rides Vick’s 4th Quarter to Victory
Take away the miraculous fourth quarter performance put on by Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles and we are talking about an entirely different game. On the other hand, without injuries and disappointing efforts, this one could have been a lot closer.
The Late Merger, led by 44 points from Vick, topped 2 fucking wins in 2 years 118-100. Aside from Vick’s four scores, Matty Ice and the Marshall Plan were among four double-digit scorers. But to celebrate Vick’s point total, consider that without the multi-threat quarterback, the mediocre 2 fucking wins team would have still taken the victory comfortably by at least 20.
2 fucking wins managed the reach the century mark despite less than spectacular games by Michael “the Burner” Turner, who finally cooled down in Seattle, and Terrell Owens, who left his enticing matchup with the Browns with an ankle injury, ending his surprising season.
The exciting victory for The Late Merger sets up a Sunday showdown with The Warriors for the right to be crowned No Foreskin League 2010 Super Bowl champion. 2 fucking wins, on the other hand, can cling to the fact that he benched LeGarrette Blount, Rashard Mendenhall, Kenny Britt, Brandon Lloyd and Kevin “THE” Boss, who combined for 82 points, compared to the starters who managed a mere 29. Oh, what could have been…?
Apple Didn’t Barf of Me in Vegas Slays the Warriors, 87-57
In a game ravished with scrubs, it seemed as if I’m Relieved Apple Didn’t Barf on Me in Vegas was destined for victory, ousting We are the Warriors and the Warriors are Great by a 30-point margin last weekend, setting up a Super Bowl showdown with The Late Merger.
Led by Jay Cutler’s efficient Monday Night Football 20-point performance, Vegas matched the production of Warriors top-scorer Drew Brees. Surprising, eh? Despite awful matchups and injuries, the running back tandem provided 10 total points, while Jeremy Maclin added 15 after being on the receiving end of one of Michael Vick’s fourth-quarter scores.
On the losing side, the Warriors proved not to be as great as they thought, as QB2 Matt Hasselbeck had an impressive negative four total points. Nice move! You cannot blame it all on the Seachickens quarterback, who happened to get benched in that game. No, give some credit to the disappointing afternoons by Over the Dwayne Bowe and Gonzo, who were outscored by their back-ups, Aaron Hernandez and Johnny Knox, 32-7.
Super Bowl Preview: Apple Didn’t Barf on Me in Vegas vs. The Late Merger
Can you feel the tension in the air right now? I know I can. The Late Merger and I’m Relieved Apple Didn’t Barf on Me in Vegas face off in the most important showdown on the season with only one walking away as No Foreskin League champion.
The Late Merger escaped the final four playoff game mainly due to Michael Vick’s fourth quarter heroics. This week, Vick will be in the Sunday night spotlight where he shines so often, this time against a Vikings defense that got exposed by Jay Cutler. Another primetime performer, Matty Ice, gets a Monday Night Football showdown with Drew Brees and the Saints, who will battle for the NFC South crown in a high-scoring affair.
I am expecting Maurice Jones-Drew to rebound against a less than stellar game against Indy, and the same goes for a lot of the Late Merger’s studs. Shady McCoy, Reggie Wayne and Vernon David all came up small in Week 15 and both have the matchups favorable enough to make fantasy owners proud.
On the other end, Jay Cutler will be in a matchup against a rough and tough New York Jets defense, as both teams are jockeying for playoff positions. Cutler has been mightily efficient as of late, and the cornerback tandem of Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie are tremendous upgrades over the Vikings secondary.
If healthy, Arian Foster could make the Broncos look like Swiss cheese. The other runners – Brian Westbrook and Ryan Mathews – get less favorable defenses in the deviously tough Rams and Cincy front seven who shut down Peyton Hillis most recently.
My prediction: If you could not tell by my tone, I would prefer to have the Vick-Ryan combination over Cutler in the biggest game of the season. Foster could explode, and I would not be shocked if Jeremy Maclin and Lance Moore each find the end zone again in their primetime games. But the studs on The Late Merger are fantasy goldmines for a reason; they do not have consecutive poor efforts. Advantage: The Late Merger, comfortably.
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