Alabama Crab Danglers: Race to the Playoffs

by Sam Spiegelman
The Chicken Cutlet Demolishes Wisco Wormburpers in Possible Playoff Preview

As the current one and two-seeded teams collided in Week 12 in what can only be envisioned as a Super Bowl preview, the No. 1 seed demonstrated exactly why they earned the top spot as The Chicken Cutler dropped a 147-point bomb on the Wisco Wormburpers.

With star power comes star production, and that is exactly what took place Sunday when the core– Michael Vick, Megatron, Peyton “Running Down” Hillis, Wes Welker and Michael “The Burner” Turner all made their presence felt on the field. The Eagles may have been contained by Chicago defense, but there is no way to stop Vick; his 32 points were more than all of the quarterbacks and wide receivers of the Wormburpers. It did not hurt than Hillis notched a 40-point effort in his dominance over Carolina. His production matched the top four scorers of the opponent.

For The Wormburpers, it had to be disappointing to watch Speedy Stevey Johnson miss a number of big-play catches. Then Roddy White got contained at home against the Pack, and Vincent Jackson was helped off the field after just two plays into his season debut. Adding injury to injury, Adrian Peterson was forced to leave his game after starting off hot against the Skins. There was a lot of potential for the Wormburpers, but too many injuries and setbacks plagued the team, as evident by Lawrence Types being among the most productive players.

Double Deuce Tops Casual Sacks, Assures Playoff Berth

Eight points was the difference between a 5-7 record and a three-way tie for the final playoff berth, and .500 with a probable lock for the postseason. The loss for Casual Sacks, however, now puts them in a do-or-die situation come Week 13.

If not for the Aaron Rodgers-to-Greg Jennings resurgence in 2010, where would this team even be? Terrell Owens, who I expected to fade down the stretch (needs more time to spend in the hyperbaric chamber) barely put a deuce (not a double deuce), while Braylon Edwards was unable to get his dougie going with Santonio Holmes taking over the show for the Jets.

Double Deuce, on the other hand, had the entire team clicking on all cylinders. Six different players scored double-digit figures, including the Stump the Schaub to Andre “The Giant” combo, the Bronco duo of Knowshon Moreno and Brandon Lloyd, LeSean McCoy and Jacob Tamme. What’s encouraging is that the team has even more firepower as Percy Harvin had a disappointing game, and McCoy performed nowhere near his potential.

The win secured Double Deuce the third seed in the playoff bracket. What is more encouraging is that there is production coming from Schaub and Moreno, and even Tamme for that matter, which will be vital down the stretch.

Nerdherders Try to Stay Alive, Faces Websters Dicktionary

When the fourth-seeded Websters Dicktionary takes on the Nerfherders this weekend, it will be the last push for the Nerfherders to vie for a playoff spot. With essentially the final seed on the line, it will have to be an upset special.

Nerdherders, like Gang Green, will look to Mark Sanchez to lead the way. The bright side is that the Jets want to win against the Pats, the Sanchize will have to come up huge. The downside – if the Jets want to win, they need to rely on the Sanchize.

Other favorable matchups include Larry Fitzgerald. While Fitz is having a down year, it is obviously due to the lack of production from the Cardinals’ quarterback position. Derek Anderson, however, showed his frustration Monday night when he was stunned by the 49ers defense, so he may be motivated to get the Cards offense going. Fitz will be a go-to guy, of course.

I also expect Maurice Jones-Drew to continue his stretch of 100-yard game against the Titans. They are actually playoff contenders, and with some confidence this team can make some noise. The Jags will pound the ball with MJD, and will try to get the playmaker the ball in space.

 On the other side, Websters Dicktionary will rely on usual cast of characters – Drew Brees, Mike Williams, Ahmad Bradshaw and Arian Foster. Brees and Williams both have favorable matchups, the Saints quarterback will feast on a beat up Cincy secondary, and Williams will get to match up against the weakest point of the Falcons defense. And while the Eagles focus on slowing down Andre “The Giant” Johnson, a lot of holes should open up for Foster.

My prediction: The favorite, Websters Dicktionary, ends Nerferders’ season. Too many good matchups this week, and I am not sure I want to put my season in the hands of Sanchez right now. On the contrary, there is not too many other quarterbacks I want than Brees right now.

Do or Die Game for Lt. Blumpkin Against 3-Seed Double Deuce

Another team that finds itself in that three-way tie vying for the sixth and final playoff spot is Lt. Blumpkin, who at 5-7 needs a win to distinguish himself from the crowd. He faces off against Double Deuce, however, who sports an 8-4 record and the third seed in the playoff bracket.

Lt. Blumpkin will look unstoppable Eli Manning and his Citizen Eco Drive watch against the Redskins. Manning has made the best out of his wide receiver situation, throwing to guys the Giants are picking up off the street. I like the combination of him and Mario Manningham – he is the best guy available and the one wide-out he can trust out there.

I have been preaching for the Chiefs to get the ball to Jamaal Charles all year, and they finally began listening when Charles made his presence field against Seattle last week. But with Frank Gore out for the remainder of the season, Charles must step up into that RB1 role, with the only other available option being Marshawn Lynch. My hope: get Anthony Dixon or Brian Westbrook immediately.

For Double Deuce, it is bold to bench Matt “Stump the Schaub,” but with the Texans quarterback dealing with the Eagles’ elite passing defense I understand the decision. Aside from Jon Kitna, the lineup looks legit.

Andre “The Giant” is a must-start, regardless of who is trying to cover him. He has something to prove to the world this week, which is great for fantasy owners. Brandon Lloyd should continue his career season versus the Chiefs secondary, and I would not be surprised if Jacob Tamme continues to see a lot of targets with a banged up Indy wide-out core.

The catalyst in my view is LeSean McCoy, who should see plenty of holes with the Texans defense focusing on Michael Vick. McCoy is the best running back in the matchup between Double Deuce and Smack Talk; I expect him to put up the best numbers.

My prediction: Double Deuce eliminates Lt. Blumpkin from the playoff race. Aside from the quarterback battle, every other position battle favors Double Deuce. The injury to Gore hurts tremendously, as he is always worthy of a big game; I do not trust Lynch to salvage the season in his place.