Week 9 Recaps: No Foreskin League

by Sam Spiegelman

Cumstein (5-4, Ellis Island) vs. Scrot (3-6, Canceled Credit Cards)

In what happened to be one of the closer tilts of the week, Cumstein topped Scrotation Marks by 10 points, and in turn may have signaled the end of the road for him. Led by A-Rodge and Hakeem the Dream, Cumstein was able to survive the less-than-effective efforts of his running backs and a rough day at the office for Megatron, as he was left on Revis Island. Really, Scrotation Marks’ quarterbacks went the only strong point on his team, and still it was not enough to equal up to that of Cumstein’s. It was hardly a situation of poor decision-making, it was simply a matter of lacking talent.

Warriors (5-4, Ellis Island) vs. Hosh (8-1, Canceled Credit Cards)

Despite facing off against a first-place team, Hosh more than doubled the point total of his opponent, the Warriors. Double-digit efforts from Brett Favre, Arian Foster, Braylon Edwards, the R-R-Raiders defense and even Jay Cutler propelled the team to a whopping 115 points. The team was far from reaching its potential, as Randy Moss and Antonio Gates were not playing. The biggest question will be finding a RB2 for the playoffs; could V-Jax’s return be a trade piece? For the Warriors, the loss still keeps him in a tie for first place in Ellis Island. It was, however, well-deserved, as there is never a reason to start running backs on the same team. The Raiders’ gig is 100 percent Run DMC’s as long as he is healthy; Jahvid Best has got to be in there.

Oso (4-5, Canceled Credit Cards) vs. LateMerger (6-3, Ham Steak)

A win from LateMerger solidified first place for another week in the Ham Steak Division, as the Falcons’ and ex-Falcons’ quarterbacks paved the way. Matty Ice and Michael Vick combined for 38 points Sunday, making up for a lack of production from the RB2 and entire receiving unit. It’s encouraging, however, the team was able to snatch a victory with F-Jax in the lineup and The Marshall Plan having an off day. For Special Agent Oso, the future does not look so bright. Jonathon Stewart’s injury, combined with Pierre Thomas’ leaves you with no real RB2. A third straight loss has got to have you itching to make a move, and quickly, to stay in the race.

Turkeylink (4-5, Ham Steak) vs. AnchorBaby (5-4, Ellis Island)

Here’s powerful football – three running backs combining for 60 points, matching the production of eight of the nine starters in the lineup for Stuart Turkeylink. Ahmad Bradshaw and Peyton “running up” Hillis carried the team in Week 9, and it did not hurt to have the Packers defense feat off the Cowboys’ dismal offensive line. AnchorBaby has to be considered a Super Bowl favorite as it sports the greatest collection of talent in the league, despite a revolving door at quarterback. Turkeylink is not out of it…yet, but he is relying on Jason Campbell and Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback. Yeah, not the guys I want to lean on either.

420 (2-7, Canceled Credit Cards) vs. BettyWhite (5-4, Ham Steak)

A huge win for Betty White, even more so than landing in a Snickers commercial! The 102-92 victory over Jay 420 is the third in a row, keeping ‘em alive and kicking in the race for the division. The win, however, proved to be somewhat lucky with the quarterbacks combining for just 12 points. My suggestion: keep Chad Henne on the bench and put your faith in Matt Schaub; he can’t continue to be stumped like this. The team should receive a boost from either Brandon Jacobs or Malcolm Floyd when he returns to the lineup. For 420, it may as well be April 20. When you have to resort to starting Jason Snelling, you know the season is over. Congrats on the two wins.

Dirty (3-6, Ham Steak) vs. fuck (4-5, Ellis Island)

I like the team names – Dirty fuck. Anyhow, it was a more-than-valiant effort for Dirty Sanchez, as the Sanchize nearly matched the production of Philip freaking Rivers Sunday, as the two combined for 55 points, half of the team’s offensive output. I understand the start for Shonn Greene – a favorable matchup with the Lions, but his slow day was picked up by B-Jax who got to stick it to Big D. But the 110 points scored was not enough to top 2 fucking wins in 2 years, who despite the angry team name was able to earn his fourth win on the season. It was a well-rounded effort – seven players in double-figure scoring. But with three teams tied for first place ahead of you, you will need to catch fire to surpass the competition.