No Foreskin League: The Final Four

No Foreskin League: The Final Four

By Sam Spiegelman

Warriors, Fuck Pull Away in Playoff Openers

            With a determination to prevail to the second round of the No Foreskin League playoffs in 2010, both We are the Warriors and the Warriors are Great and 2 fucking wins in 2 years cruised by in their opening tilts, setting their spot in the semis.

            Led by Run DMC’s outstanding afternoon against the Jaguars and his 49 points, the Warriors made up for the lack of production elsewhere in the lineup. Only Drew Brees made an attempt to keep up with  McFadden with a three-touchdown, 17-point effort, but the rest of the team combined for a mere 35 points, including a doughnut from Dwayne Bowe.

            2 fucking wins in 2 years’ team went through a similar phase, as Michael “The Burner” Turner paved the way to a 88-70 victory with a whopping 33 points, with Jon Kitna and the Patriots defense coming in second with 15 points apiece. The rest of the cast, including intriguing matchups of Eli Manning, Santonio Holmes and LeGarrette Blount, combined for just 16 points.

            The wins in Week 14 set up the following games: The Warriors against I’m Relieved Apple Didn’t Barf on Me in Vegas; 2 fucking wins in 2 years versus The Late Merger. The winners of this round will advance to the NFL Super Bowl.

Preview: 2 fucking wins in 2 years vs. The Late Merger

            With Thursday Night Football coming and going, the well-rested I’m Relieved Apple Didn’t Barf on Me in Vegas has taken a 13-0 advantage heading into this week’s semi-final matchup with We are the Warriors and the Warriors are Great. This one though is far from finished.

            Vegas, who got his 13 points due to a cheap-O touchdown from Brian Westbrook in the fourth quarter and a 56-yard rushing performance by Ryan Mathews, essentially got the best out of these lower-tiered starters. More pressure will be placed on Arian Foster to product at the running back position, and he should do against Tennessee, as no one has really showed the ability to keep Foster in check.

            The snow in the Minnesota frozen tundra should limit Jay Cutler’s effectiveness, but that should be countered by big-time matchups for Jeremy Maclin and Lance Moore. Both Philly and New Orleans will face tough defenses, so it is likely both their teams will revert to their air attacks to put up points.

            For the Warriors, Drew Brees, Run DMC, Dwayne Bowe and Gonzo are all due to enormous games this weekend. Brees will shoulder the load versus a weak Ravens secondary; Bowe is likely to get his quarterback back, while Gonzalez and McFadden simply have favorable matchups.

            My prediction: Despite a 13-0 advantage headed into Sunday, I smell an upset with The Warriors over Vegas. Just too many superstars, tooo many intriguing matchups to overcome, and I never want to stake my fantasy life on Cutler and Ben Watson.

Preview: We are the Warriors and the Warriors are Great vs. I’m Relieved Apple Didn’t Barf on Me in Vegas

            Like the previous contest, The Late Merger will have a 10-0 edge in points before the weekend even begins. Fortunately, this dime came from the Chargers defense – an added bonus in their game against 2 fucking wins in 2 years.

            The Late Merger has yet to begin their scoring, as Matty Ice will face one of the league’s worst passing defenses in Seattle. The other quarterback is just so other dude named Michael Vick; ever heard of ‘em? He faces a tough test in the G-Men at the New Meadowlands, but if Philly is going to score it will of course go through Vick.

            Players like Maurice Jones-Drew and Derrick Mason are going to be all-nothing plays this week. Both have been hot of late, but Mo-Jo-Drew will get an emotional Indy defense who will force David Garrard to beat then, while Mason gets the top-ranked passing defense in the league.

            For 2 fucking wins in 2 years, it is a similar deal. Can Michael “The Burner” team keep on his ridiculous pace? Can Terrell Owens rediscover the end-zone? Will Jon Kitna continue to perform well above expectations?

            I do believe all of this is true in Week 15, and I think you would be lucky if Santonio Holmes keeps to his word and scores against his former team Sunday. I also dig The Daily Show versus ‘Zona.

            My prediction: I see big days for Jonathon Stewart, The Burner and T.O., but I am unsure if they are going to keep pace with Vick and Reggie Wayne. Vick is going to carry the load for the Eagles in their NFC East showdown, and we all know Indy is going to put on points and Wayne in Peyton Manning’s favorite target. Advantage: The Late Merger.