by Paul Pearson
Postseason Starts with Seven Eligible for Crown
In any walk of life, sooner or later, you're going to split people into haves and have-nots. In the case of the No Sissies, the fantasy football gods are splitting the league right down the middle. Those in the bottom half will be competing solely for pride, or at least to keep themselves off the streets for a few more Sundays. Those in the top half will spend the next three weeks sweating every injury report, every weather forecast and every "expert" opinion in their quest for the ever-elusive championship.
QUARTERFINALS
Of course, that doesn't mean everyone in the top half will start their perspiration engines right away. The 10-3 Weezies Weezles, riding a three-game winning streak, can sit back, relax and enjoy that extra glass of egg nog. They grabbed the top spot in the standings and the bye week that goes with it.
Anna's Annihilator's vs. TEAM HEAVY
The Annihilators also closed the regular season with a 10-3 record, but tiebreakers pushed them into the second seed. The Heavys were on the right side of their tiebreakers and managed to get into the seventh and final playoff slot. The Heavys have a slight advantage at quarterback with Aaron Rodgers getting to pump up his stats against the Detroit Lions. However, the biggest stud in this matchup is clearly Peyton Hillis, who gets a tasty opponent of his own, the Buffalo Bills. The Annihilators also boast Vernon Davis, who had a mammoth day against the Green Bay Packers and can have another one against the Seattle Seahawks. The Heavys should put up a valiant effort, but the Annihilators should be able to get the job done and move on to the semifinals.
steel lions vs. Barbara's Barbarians
The 8-5 Lions won their regular season finale to snag the third seed in the postseason. The Barbarians have dropped two straight contests but still managed to get the sixth seed. The biggest studs in this fantasy contest may be the Philadelphia Eagles, who get a Sunday night matchup against the surging-but-still-vulnerable Dallas Cowboys. The Lions have both Michael Vick and LeSean McCoy, while the Barbarians counter with Jeremy Maclin and David Akers, fantasy football's number one kicker. (Who thought we'd ever say that about someone who plays outdoors in the cold?) There are plenty of non-Eagles, too, including Mike Wallace for the Lions and Marques Colston for the Barbarians. But right now, it's Michael Vick's world, and the Lions will enjoy living in it this week.
Team Bud Light vs. BUD GUZZLER
A pair of 7-6 teams that enjoy Anheuser-Busch products meet for the right to go to the semifinals. The fourth-seeded Lights have Ben Roethlisberger breathing through his earhole and Maurice Jones-Drew trying to will his Jacksonville Jaguars into the NFL playoffs. The fifth-seeded Guzzlers have Ryan Fitzpatrick trying to find a way to win and Andre Johnson hoping not to get himself killed Monday night against the Baltimore Ravens. The Lights have plenty of options at wide receiver, including Sidney Rice and Deion Branch. The Guzzlers have to hope the Chicago Bears defenders can find a way to corral Tom Brady, and they have to hope Chris Johnson pulls out of his personal slump. Those are both dangerous things to seek at playoff time, so look for the Lights to win a close one.
CONSOLATION ROUND
The No Sissies league is actually giving two teams the week off. For the Weezles, it's a reward for a job well done. For the 4-9 Easy Riders, who finished dead last in the standings, it's a chance to get up off the canvas.
I am NFmeL vs. DOOMSDAY DEFENSE
This battle of 6-7 teams features a pair of elite wide receivers. The eighth-seeded NFmeLs have Reggie Wayne, who has to hope Peyton Manning finds his winning form again. The ninth-seeded Defense has Greg Jennings, who may help Aaron Rodgers win his first NFL MVP award. This one looks like an NFmeL victory.
#1 MemesBoyz vs. ATLANTA IRONMAN
A clash between two 5-8 teams will be settled on Monday night. The 11th-seeded Ironman will trot out Joe Flacco, but he'll need to find Derrick Mason, who plays for the 10th-seeded MemesBoyz. That reality, along with the resurgence of Adrian Peterson, will lead the MemesBoyz to the win.
Shake N Bake vs. phily's phlunky's
Another matchup between 5-8 teams, and this one comes with plenty of questions. Can Tom Brady produce more video game numbers for the 13th-seeded Phlunkys? Can the 12th-seeded Bakes get some offense from their running game? How many more injuries can these two teams take? This one won't be pretty, but it should go the Phlunkys' way.
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