Revving the Playoff Engines: NFL – No Foreskin League
By Sam Spiegelman
1. The Late Merger. With the best record in the No Foreskin League, The Late Merger at 10-3 looks as if the team is hitting its stride at just the right time. Quarterbacks Matty Ice and Michael Vick are both top-10 options, and in the first week of the playoffs, Ryan will get to take on a porous Panthers defense, while Vick is virtually matchup-proof. Maurice Jones-Drew has ripped off consecutive 100-yard rushing games and has been considered an MVP candidate for his recent stretch of success. His counterpart LeSean McCoy is taking advantage of the focus defenses are paying attention to Vick by finding holes and hitting the end-zone on the ground and through the air. With The Marshall Plan healthy, he and Reggie Wayne combine for a formidable tandem at wide receiver, while Vernon Davis should see an added-boost in production with the return of Alex Smith for the 49ers. There is no doubt this team is a clear-cut favorite, and on paper should already take home the NFL trophy.
2. I’m Relieved Apple Didn’t Barf on Me in Vegas. The champion of the Canceled Credit Cards Division at 9-4, but face a couple question marks heading into the first round of the playoffs. With Brett Favre’s questionable status for Sunday against the G-Men, Jay Cutler is taking on the Pats, who recently stifled the New York Jets. Given Cutler’s propensity to throw balls to the opposing team, this could spell danger. His counterpart, Kyle Orton, should have a bounce-back effort against the Cards, who seemingly have given up on their 2010 season. Arian Foster will face a tough test in the Ravens on Monday night in primetime, which spells trouble (see Rashard Mendenhall Sunday night). And with Frank Gore out, it is yet to be determined how effective Brian Westbrook can really be. Braylon Edwards and Jeremy Maclin have favorable matchups Sunday; the only question would be on Antonio Gates and if he is healthy enough to play. This team can win in the first round, but without a productive QB2, RB2 or Gates, will not advance too far.
3. We are the Warriors and the Warriors are Great. After capturing the Ellis Island Division crown, the Warriors at 8-5 may have concern after a slow Week 13. Drew Brees was Drew Brees, but the rest of the team’s play has been shaky as of late. Mike Goodson performed well in conjunction with The Daily Show, and as long as he receives enough carries he can be a productive RB2. Regardless, he is the best option there on the roster. Run DMC rebounded versus the Chargers, but he will need to revert to his early season form if this team wants to really make some noise. Stone Cold Miles Austin has had a better second half, and Over the Dwayne Bowe was really only quiet against the Broncos when he suffered from the Champ Bailey treatment. A catalyst – if Gonzo can get going, and the running backs are productive, this team may be more deserving of a No. 2 seed.
4. Mitch Cumstein. Cumstein was the first playoff seed to earn a berth based on power rankings. Led by a dynamic duo at quarterback – Aaron Rodgers and Big Ben – this team always has a chance to put up big numbers. In the first round of the playoffs, A-Rodge gets a Detroit defense he embarrassed on Thanksgiving and Roethlisberger faces a beat-up Cincy secondary that got torched by Drew Brees last weekend. I like how Megatron is faring without Matthew Stafford and Shaun Hill, and if healthy Jason Witten is a viable option still with Jon Kitna. The biggest question then is whether to go with Malcolm Floyd or Hakeem “The Dream” Nicks. Both are injury question marks, but when healthy I consider Nicks to superior option, as Eli Mannings looks for him early and often. Floyd, on the other hand, is still an elite receiver, but Philip Rivers spreads the ball around, and it is a new wide-out each week getting the catches.
5. 2 fucking wins in 2 years. While the Detroit Lions won’t see the playoff light in 2010, 2 fucking wins in 2 years certainly will. I love the move to keep Jon Kitna riding pine; Eli Manning will be throwing enough in the next few weeks to try and lift the Giants to the postseason. The tandem of Rashard Mendenhall and Michael “The Burner” Turner is enough to have any defensive coordinator piss in his pants – both have favorable matchups Week 14 versus Cincy and Carolina, respectively. It does not hurt that all three wide receivers have terrific matchups, too. Santonio Holmes should see a lot more passes against the Fins than he did at New England last week; Brandon Lloyd should rebound against the Cards secondary and Terrell Owens will get to face off the Steelers, a team his team will likely be trailing to and will need to throw to try and keep pace.
6. Anchor Babies. Despite earning the final playoff berth in the No Foreskin League and sporting a 6-7 record, the Anchor Babies can be forces to reckon with when they are clicking on all cylinders. Matt Cassel and David Garrard are both yeah-buts – yeah they are good, but can they product on a consistent basis? This week, Cassel will be tested when he faces a top defense in San Diego; Garrard will battle the Raiders defense that kept Philip Rivers in check the week previous. Running back, or bowling ball – whatever you consider him – Peyton “Running down” Hillis should rebound in a big way against the Buffalo Bills, the same team that let an injured Adrian Peterson walk all over them for over 100 yards and three touchdowns. With Thomas Jones’ reduction in carries, I believe Ahmad Bradshaw’s numbers warrant a starting role – he could be a difference-maker. Receivers Andre “the Giant” Johnson and Roddy White are matchup-proof, so no question there, and both should make up for the lack of productivity out of the disappointing Kellen Winslow. Is it sad that he was better off with Derek Anderson at quarterback?
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