Well, Lumbergh Effed Her - Week#14, Playoff Preview

by Paul Pearson

Eight Teams Begin Quest for a Fantasy Title

The time for posturing, BSing and trash talking is officially over for the Well, Lumbergh Effed Her league. The fantasy football playoffs begin this week with a full slate of quarterfinal action. One of these teams will earn eternal applause and ovations (or something like that), while the other seven will bitch and moan about every drop, penalty and stupid decision that cost them the championship that they so richly deserve, DAMMIT!

(Oh, was that out loud? Sorry. Now, where was I?)

QUARTERFINALS

Asstoria Brown Storm vs. Chachi in Charge

The Storm earned their top seed with a 12-1 record and ended the regular season on a seven-game winning streak, while the 5-8 Chachis backed into the eighth and final playoff spot despite a loss in week 13. Kyle Orton needs to forget about the Josh McDaniels firing quickly, and Michael Turner needs to keep churning out points for the Storm. The Chachis do get to line up Peyton Hillis against the valiant-but-reeling Buffalo Bills, but Tom Brady won't find the Chicago Bears as easy to pick apart as the New York Jets, and Arian Foster will be praying simply to survive his outing against the Baltimore Ravens. The Storm will have to sweat out the Monday night game but should emerge victorious in a close one.

Frank & Beans vs. Tiger's Used Pussy

The Beans rode a two-game winning streak to a 9-4 record and the second playoff seed. They face a Pussy team that dropped its last four games but still managed to get the seventh seed with a 5-7-1 record. Rashard Mendenhall has to be happy to have the Baltimore Ravens in his rear-view mirror, and now he gets to feast on the Cincinnati Bengals. The Beans will miss the out-for-the-season Dez Bryant, and it would help if Peyton Manning would stop trying to imitate Ryan Leaf. The Pussy will counter with Chris Johnson, who has mysteriously disappeared of late but hopes to make like Tashard Choice against the Indianapolis Colts. This playoff matchup may rest on the shoulder pads of Eli Manning, who was nearly silent fantasy-wise in week 13 but should be able to bounce back against the Minnesota Vikings. In fact, Eli and the Baltimore Ravens defense/special teams have what it takes to pull off a Pussy upset.

Sex Panther vs. WhoDat-TasteMyGoldenSpray

A week 9 tie drops the 8-4-1 Panthers to the third seed, while the 6-7 Sprays stumbled into the sixth seed with a three-game losing streak to end the regular season. Knowshon Moreno is slowly but surely taking over the Denver Broncos offense, and Drew Brees has a surprisingly tasty matchup against the St. Louis Rams. The Sprays have to decide whether to start Matt Schaub (facing the Baltimore Ravens) or Matt Ryan (facing the Carolina Panthers). They also have to hope to continue getting production from their makeshift set of running backs. Toby Gerhart won't be all that useful at the goal line if the New York Giants never let his team approach it. The Panthers may not even need Ray Rice's Monday night points to beat the Sprays and advance to the semifinals.

Trailer Trashers vs. Bull Bus LA

A pair of 7-6 teams face off in this final quarterfinal. The fourth-seeded Trashers have injury questions at quarterback (Ben Roethlisberger), running back (Adrian Peterson) and wide receiver (Kenny Britt). The Bus has to deal with Donald Brown's ankle (and short week) and must locate the black hole that swallowed up Hines Ward. Calvin Johnson and Michael Vick can solve a lot of fantasy problems, but not when your opponent can count on Roddy White to find the end zone and the New York Giants defense/special teams to keep opponents out of it. Roethlisberger and Peterson should be healthy enough to lead the Trashers into the semifinal round.

CONSOLATION ROUND

Then we have the four teams who finished at the bottom of the standings and are playing each other for two reasons: for pride and to put off going to the malls.

Easier than Mrs. Garrett vs. aTouchofDowns

The 5-8 Garretts have Aaron Rodgers, one of the hottest commodities in all of fantasy football. The 4-9 Downs counter with Joe Flacco against the soft-as-a-baby's-butt Houston Texans pass defense. He'll throw touchdowns to Andre Johnson, who will score enough to get the Garretts a win.

OGs vs. Little Miss Sunshine

The 5-8 OGs may be without Todd Heap, while the 4-9 Sunshine are wondering what happened to Dwayne Bowe and Santana Moss. DeSean Jackson is ready to make big plays against the Dallas Cowboys, and that should be enough to get the OGs the victory.