By Paul Pearson
Sharktopus vs. Double Secret Probation
Michael Vick had the type of night that makes you say “Holy crap!” (or words to that effect), even if you don’t have him on your fantasy team. His six touchdowns and 53.5 points lifted the Sharktopus to a 135.5-98 victory over the Probation and sole possession of the Everywhere Else division lead. Vick was one of seven Sharktopus starters to post double-digit scores, but he was the only one to clear the 20-point barrier. He also allowed the Sharktopus to overlook the 38 points Matt Cassel scored on the bench. DeSean Jackson put up 16.3 points, most of them on the 88-yard Vick bomb that started the Monday night game. Eli Manning led the way for the Probation with 24.6 points, followed by Andre Johnson with 20.6. But the Probation could muster only 0.8 points from Brent Celek, one of the few Eagles not to benefit from Vick’s epic night.
Lee H. vs. Meet the Mutts
The Mutts may have a stranglehold on the West Orange Metro Area division, but they needed help on Monday night to beat the Lees. They got it from the Philadelphia Eagles defense/special teams, who scored 14 points in a 92.5-88.1 Mutts win. The scoring started early for the Mutts; Joe Flacco got a team-high 23.9 points in a dramatic Thursday night loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Steven Jackson was next in line with 20.8, but five of his fellow Mutt starters were held to single digits, including Thomas Jones with 2.2 points. (Yes, technically, there are two digits in that score; work with me here.) Josh Freeman led the Lee starters with 20.5 points, followed by the Chicago Bears defense/special teams with 15. However, six other starters were held to 7.4 or fewer points.
Brett M. vs. Creeping Death
The Death are not dead yet, at least as far as the playoffs are concerned. Tom Brady helped them keep their postseason hopes alive by scoring a team-high 35.3 points Sunday night in a 114.5-104.7 victory over the Bretts. Calvin Johnson added 18.8 points in a losing effort against the no-longer-winless Buffalo Bills, and Jeremy Maclin generated 15 points in a Monday night stomping of the Washington Redskins. The Bretts also got a lot of points in the Sunday night game, including a team-leading 30.6 points from Ben Roethlisberger and 25.6 from Mike Wallace, who caught two of Roethlisberger’s three touchdowns. However, the Sunday night game also produced two donuts for the Bretts, courtesy of Aaron Hernandez (the other New England Patriots tight end) and the Pittsburgh Steelers defense/special teams.
Squatter’s Rights vs. Hoofhearted
Another week, another lineup mishap for the Squatters. This time, it was Donald Driver who was left in a starting slot during a bye week for the cellar-dwelling Squatters, who fell to the Hoofs by a score of 112.3-88. Mark Sanchez, the overtime hero of the New York Jets, scored a team-high 27.3 points for the Hoofs, and Brandon Lloyd contributed 21 points to the cause. Randy Moss had a quiet debut for the Tennessee Titans; his single catch generated only 2.6 points for the Hoofs. The Squatters got a team-leading 21.6 points from Knowshon Moreno, who got plenty of action in Denver’s humiliation of the Kansas City Chiefs. The New England Patriots defense/special teams were next in line with 13 points. But Chris Cooley scored only 2.3 points in the other humiliation of the week (Washington’s loss to the Philadelphia Eagles).
TITANS vs. Jordan’s Bar Mitzvah Fund
Chad Pennington’s season-ending (and possibly career-killing) injury didn’t just hamper the Miami Dolphins. It also crippled the Titans, who got only 0.7 points from their starting quarterbacks and lost to the Funds by a score of 111-102.8. The week got off to a promising start for the Titans. Roddy White scored 25.8 points in Atlanta’s come-from-behind victory over the Baltimore Ravens. Fred Jackson posted a team-high 28 points in Buffalo’s first win of 2010. But Pennington had company in small-score territory; Dustin Keller scored only 2.5 points, and Brandon Jacobs had 2.8. The Funds got a team-leading 24.8 points from Jay Cutler and 24.3 from Maurice Jones-Drew. Pierre Garcon was the lowest-scoring Fund starter with 3.7 points.
Team RamRod vs. Buddy’s Watching You
This game would have made Homer Simpson drool, because there were plenty of donuts to go around. Each team had two starters with scores of 0 as the Buddys prevailed by a score of 78.2-59.8. Matt Schaub led the way for the Buddys with 23.9 points, and Chad Ochocinco added 14.6 points to the total. But the Buddys got nothing from Darren Sproles (on a bye week) or Earnest Graham (who hasn’t played in three of the past four Tampa Bay Buccaneers games). Dez Bryant was the bright spot on the RamRod roster. His 16.4 points made him the only starter in double digits. Kyle Orton (31.8 points) and Dwayne Bowe (30.6) were left on the bench, while Hines Ward (victim of an early concussion Sunday night) and Ryan Torain (active but too injured to take the field Monday night) came up empty.
PLAYOFF CHANCES
They’re in: Meet the Mutts (9-1)
They’re looking good: Sharktopus (7-3), Double Secret Probation (7-3), TITANS (6-4), Jordan’s Bar Mitzvah Fund (6-4)
They need help: Lee H. (5-5), Creeping Death (5-5), Brett M. (4-6), Hoofhearted (4-6)
They’re done: Team RamRod (3-7), Buddy’s Watching You (2-8), Squatter’s Rights (2-8)
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